1:24am
I don't know how I got around the thought of my death.
Well maybe because I'm in such state where I loathe everything I do. I'm never contented nowadays and I can't seem to do anything about my heeds. I mean, just thinking about my tasks already burdens me! And see, I have been playing mediocre nowadays. Just for the sake of getting over the current dilemma so I can move on to the next one.
But I never wanted mediocre. Not to boast but I know that I'm good and that I can do better than my current state. It's just that I feel like I already lost the reason for me to exert 'more effort'. Worst case scenario would be... I (still) haven't found the reason for me to exert 'more effort'.
Honestly, I am not happy. It's as if I already fell out of love with... the stuff that I always do, the stuff that I once thought I ought to do/was born to do, same stuff that I used to love doing. The only thing I'm holding on to right now is the thought that I'm just a few months away from my freedom--GRADUATION. Yep, I'm almost there.
Anyway, as I was in deep thoughts earlier, trying to organize all the home-works and projects in my head, I unconsciously shifted away from the current, and thought, 'what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow?' Wouldn't it be better to be finally resting from it all? And by all I don't just mean the stress I have been constantly getting from school. Well, lately I always find my self torn between what seems like a million decisions. More torn when I think about the wrong decisions I've made and what I could've been/could've had if I decided on the right thing.
Yes, I know there's a looooooooot of thinking going on and my only escape from it all would be him. And yet again I thought, 'what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow?'. I immediately drifted into our (my and my boyfriend's) usual conversation about getting rich and travelling the world together, if fate would allow.
I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm saying, anybody could die at anytime. And right now I'm not happy. I mean... I'm not sad, I still have a lot to smile about. I'm just... not contented. I'm bored with the current definition of my life. And about the 'what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow' part, despite the perk of resting from all the chaos, I can't die without reaching that peak of happiness and contentment in my life. Right now, I am surviving and that word is far from living. My point is, perhaps I just need a change of perspective. Perhaps I only need a new set of inspirations. Yes, maybe I do. Because the truth is, I want to go back to loving what I do! I want to go back to actually having a direction in life. I want to make the current and not just go with it, whatever, you get my point. I just want to get back on track. Although I have a feeling that I wouldn't want to pursue my college degree right after I graduate, I swear to God I won't let my self be stuck in this shitty rut again. Instead I'm going to do everything to set foot in each and every beauty of the world. I would be in search of the wonders I have yet to see. And that's my only plan for now. That's the only thing I could visualize that would make me happy. Reason enough for me to not and not want to die tomorrow.
So ya! It's going to be 7 more months of teeth gritting and I can't wait to get this over with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
